The Late Show With Stephen Colbert : KPIX : April 15, 2024 11:35pm-12:37am PDT : Free Borrow & Streaming : Internet Archive (2024)

chicken. >> that was the rockets center missing the free throw because if the visiting team miss two in a row the entire arena got a sandwich from chick-fil-a. the game wasn't high stakes. the rockets were moving on. >> they were locked into their spot. >> exactly. >> why not? make people happy. >> hasn't everybody known by now we're all motivated by food. us dudes. >> who are you talking to here? >> if she was a cartoon >> jury selection will begin in donald trump's hush money trail. he's facing 34 felony counts of falsifying business records. >> the defense is going to be looking for people who are the quote-unquote kind of people who might be sympathetic to former president trump. >> defendant, choose your

sympathetic juror. >> as a juror, i would look closely at the evidence and the facts. >> no. >> my favorite food is salad. >> no, no, no. >> i'm a middle-aged woman. >> i'll pass. no. no. no. >> when is it time to break for lunch? i like hamburgers. >> i like this guy. >> juror selected. finish them. >> nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert"! tonight... snooze criminal! first, stephen welcomes salman rushie! and anna sawai! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> stephen: hello, hello. please have a seat, my friends. ladies and gentlemen, welcome oone and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] people are excited because it is tax day. and if you haven't filed yet, you have 21 minutes. good luck! there's a lot of confusion about what you can and cannot claim as deductions. as there is every year. "the washington post" compiled some of the things folks tried to write off, and there are a few doozies. for example, one client wanted to deduct the cost of doggy treats and toys at the office for their dog because it was their "business mascot." turns out, that is not allowed. they have to be employees.

that's why i just gave my dog benny a full-time job as "the late show" accountant. he's down on ten? he's on eight? that makes his treats 100% tax deductible. that's not just me saying it. i ran that by my new accountant. [laughter] let's see. what else. have you guys been watching the news? what else is happening today? oh, here's a fun little story from the smile file. donald trump became the first former president to go on criminal trial. [cheering] is that what you're looking for? on the nose? there you go. we'll get there. we've got an idea. the official name of the trial is "the people of the state of new york versus donald trump." the people of the state of new york? that's us! [cheering] okay, hold on.

hold on. i know you're excited, but don't cheer too loud. we need you to get picked for jury duty! this morning, donald trump walked into the courthouse to face justice for his alleged illegal hush money payments to stormy daniels. this is an historic moment we will all tell our grandchildren about. very carefully. "well, uh, there was a president who met a special actress for let's say grown-up movies at a celebrity golf event and invited her over for a playdate because his wife was too busy to play 'cause she had a new baby. the actress gave him a friendly pat on the bottom with a magazine about money with his photo on it, and they shared a special, unprotected hug. then he gave her a present so she wouldn't tell anyone

that his bathing suit area was shaped like toad from mario kart. oh, oh. oh, what else? what else? what else? what else? oh, and he was leading in the polls." once the trial got underway, reporters noticed that trump appeared to nod off a few times, his mouth going slack and his head drooping onto his chest. in fact, his lawyer passed him notes for several minutes before trump appeared to jolt awake and notice them. "whaaa! oh, my god, i was having the most terrible dream that i had to read something. oh, no! the dream was real! but if it's real, then where's the hamburger with boobs?" before jury selection even started this morning, prosecutors argued that trump had violated his gag order and asked judge merchan to hold trump in contempt for

criticizing potential witnesses in social media posts, asking him to fine trump $3,000. only three k? but i guess that's on brand for trump. k, k, k. >> ooh! >> stephen: what? what? the things is, this trial could go on for months, but trump still has a presidential campaign to run. his team claims that even on some court days, trump will hold both in-person and virtual events. that's gonna make for some awkward trial moments. "your honor, can we wrap this up? i'm late for a rally where i call for your execution... if it please the court." ooh, speaking of which. [cheering]

speaking of which, on saturday, trump held a rally in trump held a rally in pennsylvania, in a little town called schnecksville. "i was told there would be schnecks. i look around, not even popcorn. unless this building over there is made of gingerbread. eric, give it a good lick." trump told the crowd he was not looking forward to his day in court. >> on monday in new york city, i will be forced to sit fully gagged. i'm not allowed to talk. can you believe it? they want to take away my constitutional right to talk. >> stephen: first of all, it's freedom of speech, not "right to talk" and never in a trial. that's how it works for everyone. it's not political persecution if you have to follow the rules. "i went to a baseball game, and i had to sit there, eating hot dogs. didn't get to pitch one inning. they took away my constitutional right to be a belly itcher."

hey, battah, battah, battah. battah, hey. trump's brain didn't seem to be working too good. here he is trying to talk, i think, about immigration? >> just this week, it was reported that an illegal adlithin -- and you just look at this... what's happening. >> stephen: "adlithin"? "adlithin"? perfectly good word. nothing to worry about. we all know it from the iconic action movie: "adlithin verbus predaderp." juicy. because trump was in pennsylvania, he took a moment to talk about local history. >> gettysburg, what an unbelievable battle that was, the battle of gettysburg. what an unbelievable -- i mean, it was so much and so interesting and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways. it represented such a big

portion of the success of this country. gettysburg, wow. i go to gettysburg, pennsylvania to look and to watch. >> stephen: what a stirring orator. i look forward to ken burns' updated documentary. >> "my dearest martha, wow, today we fought at gettysburg. it was so much and so interesting and so vicious and so beautiful in so many ways. but all worth it to protect every person. woman, man, camera, and future tv. for, as it says in the declaration of independence, all men are endowed with certain rights that are un-ad-itlithin... inaddlinable... unablebabbledabbledibble... forget it. i'm dead." [cheers and applause]

>> stephen: thank you, ken. thank you, ken burns. he history'd on. >> the statement of robert e. lee, who's no longer in favor, did you ever notice that? no longer in favor. never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill." they were fighting uphill. he said, "wow, that was a big mistake." "never fight uphill, me boys." >> stephen: "me boys"? does he think robert e. lee was a pirate? "arrrgh, never fight uphill, me boys, or you'll walk the plank straight into davy jones' plantation. now grab your cutlass and load the cannons, for we have to defeat the union scallywags and their leader: captain pegleg lincoln!" arrgh! we're about 100 days out from the summer olympics in paris, okay, just in time.

[cheers] don't get too excited because it's not on cbs. for some fresh controversy, because olympians are criticizing nike for its new skimpy track and field women's uniforms. okay, let's take a look. okay, that is a high cut. explains nike's new slogan: "just ow! front wedgie!" multiple female athletes have complained about the bikini-esque bottoms, with one long jumper commenting, "wait. my hoo-ha is gonna be out." it's true. so, this year, you could literally win by a hair. [laughter] wow. i didn't design them. here's something, folks. you know i'm hesitant because i'm a company man. but today, i come to you with

a heavy heart because a shocking scandal has hit cbs. last night, for many viewers, the broadcast of billy joel's landmark 100th concert of his madison square garden residency ended like this. >> ♪ and the piano ♪ ♪ sounds like a carnival ♪ ♪ and the microphone ♪ ♪ smells like a beer ♪ ♪ and they sit at the -- ♪ >> live from cbs 4, this is your news now! >> stephen: oh! oh, yeah, i got some breaking news. last night, a long island man was robbed! why would they cut him off at that part of "piano man"? he was almost done! he only had, like, 30 more verses! plus, it's a huge cliffhanger! we know the microphone smells like a beer, but what comes next? "sing us a song, you're the oboe guy?" we don't know! fans were understandably in a pissed off state of mind, posting messages like... "hey @cbs wtf is this?! you cut off billy joel during "piano man" of all songs?!? not ballin'. not ballin' at all."

which is especially embarrassing for cbs news. because their slogan is "all the news that's fit to ball." usually, i would never turn against my employer, but american icon billy joel is my best friend, his words, not mine, which is why i'd like to address my colleagues now. hey, cbs. ♪ you had to be a big shot ♪ didn't ya? ♪ come on! folks were at home. no, no. i'm mad! [applause] folks were at home just trying to enjoy tv ♪ in the middle of the night ♪ were you having a bad day? or is it ♪ just the way you are ♪ i'm not the only one who has this opinion. so does ♪ harry truman, doris day red china, johnny ray ♪ so never do this again, cbs. or next time someone just might have a ♪ heart attack ♪ ♪ ack-ack-ack-ack-ack♪ we got a great show for you tonight! my guests are salman rushdie

and "shogun" actor anna sawai. but when we come back, "meanwhile"! join us, won't you? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by the farmer's dog. real food made fresh, delivered.

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♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: give it up for louis cato and "the late show" band, everybody right there. [cheers and applause] louis. who is joining the band tonight? >> louis: eight time grammy award-winning legendary trumpeter, the first black composer ever to be featured at the metropolitan opera twice now, and a hero of all of ours in "the late show" band, terence blanchard. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. once the piece that you have at

lincoln center? >> it's called fire shot up in my bones. >> stephen: people can go see it? >> from now through may the 2nd. >> stephen: thanks so much for being here. this just in. i was informed of this during the commercial break. it turns out, this is why i love working for cbs. cbs has issued an apology to billy joel and his fans and will be rerunning the special at some point? this friday you can see the entire billy joel special again. folks, if you watch the show, you know i spend most of my time right over there, selecting the day's finest baltic oak news panel, adding a preparatory layer of topical ground chalk and story glue, then hand-painting hyperrealistic scenes of redemption with jewel-like coloring and simulated gold leaf to unveil for you the spectacular yet timeless 15th century jan van eyck ghent altarpiece that is my nightly monologue. but sometimes, sometimes, folks, after huffing oven cleaner out of a pringles can, i steal

the valet parking sign from outside the hustler club, flip it over and chuck some wet pizza toppings at it along with half a go-go squeeze and what's left of a chik-fil-a zesty buffalo sauce packet to offer up the expressionist tweaker's spackle-plank of news that is my segment... >> "meanwhile"! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: a work of art in and of itself. epic defining. meanwhile, heinz is going to put ketchup dispenser stations outside chicago hot dog restaurants. that headline again: heinz declares war on chicago. because, ladies and gentlemen, a proper chicago hot dog, as has been handed down in the gospel according to ditka 3:16 is mustard, onions, tomato wedges, sport peppers, a pickle spear, and electric green relish on a poppyseed bun, topped with celery salt. ketchup is for the children.

but fine. fine, heinz. what do these ketchup dispensers look like? all right. surprising choice to place the hole where the ketchup comes out at a height best described as "urinal." [laughter] good luck with that. meanwhile, in the world of fashion, apparently ugly shoes are here to stay and now "uggs and crocs are thriving." though the same cannot be said for their owners. "hey, bill. we noticed you've worn your crocs three weeks in a row, and you've added quite a few minion charms. i'm sorry. they're called jibbitz? okay. anyway, none of this is how you're going to get diane back." you need to bathe more often. you need to shave. [applause] meanwhile, in kansas city, a runaway goat somehow made its way to the ledge of a bridge

almost 80 feet in the air and was later rescued. the goat, named "chug," is now back home on a missouri farm, so the story has a happy ending. or does it? because chug the goat's owner is named brittany slaughter! i just hope this ends better than that time a cow was rescued from a well and returned to its owner, roger groundbeef. meanwhile... [applause] 's day. meanwhile, in donut news, krispy kreme introduced three new kitkat donuts that they claim are both "creamy and crispy." wait a second. so before now, krispy kreme weren't crispy or creamy? that's their whole thing! next you'll tell me that crate and barrel sells neither crates nor barrels. what?!

[applause] krispy kreme. just to be safe they should send us a lot of free ones. meanwhile, "a new declaration in mexico gives 19 cats roaming the presidential palace food and care 'fur-ever.'" that's cute. in gratitude, the cats will act like they want you to rub their belly, then if you do claw the bejesus out of your arm. meanwhile, in an effort to lighten things up for travelers, the atlanta airport has installed a new "kiosk that will print free pre-flight short stories." atlanta airport, thank you for focusing on the important stuff. "honey, our flight's delayed for six hours and we don't have water 'cause a bottle is $13. but that machine gave me a printout of shirley jackson's 'the lottery!'" [applause] meanwhile, in its war on rats, new york city now plans to deploy rodent birth control that

comes in the form of salty pellets. which will hopefully be more effective than their last idea: teeny tiny condoms. "hold still!" no glove, no love. [applause] meanwhile, in maryland, "a stray pigeon flew to an animal shelter, was adopted out, and will now wear a diaper when indoors." that headline is a real journey and would be perfect for the atlanta airport story kiosk. [laughter] that's it? receipts? meanwhile, in new york city, an exclusive wine club requires $20,000 and a "vibe check" to become a member. here's how it goes. "are you an idiot with $20,000? we like your vibe." we'll be right back

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welcome back to "the late show." folks, my first guest tonight is a renowned author who has been awarded many of literature's highest honors, including the booker prize and a knighthood. he was named one of "time magazine's" 100 most influential people in the world last year. please welcome to "the late show," salman rushdie. [applause] ♪ ♪ i'm glad to see you here. i'm glad to see you anywhere actually. because for people who may not know, though i doubt there are many, about a year and a half ago, you were attacked on stage at an event at the chautauqua institute in new york and almost lost her life. >> salman: that's right. >> stephen: how are you

feeling these days? >> salman: i'm surprisingly well. [applause] thank you. i think that technical term is that i'm a medical miracle. >> stephen: that's how close you came to death? >> salman: yeah. they initially thought probably they weren't going to be able to save me but unfortunately they were wrong. [applause] >> stephen: a year and half is really not that long for something as traumatic as that. i know you've written a book about the event called "knife: meditations after an attempted murder." before we get into the book, i'm just curious. would you mind describing the attack from your own point of view? >> salman: yeah. i mean, i was on stage with a colleague ironically enough to talk about protecting people in danger in various countries in

the world and the person who wasn't protected this writer. a man ran out of the audience and basically stuck a knife in me 14 times. 14 times. he actually looked a little bit like a very famous tennis player. it was like being stabbed by novak drug which >> stephen: i would recommend that either. you say you nearly died. did you have what people call a near-death experience? >> salman: i did. i was on the floor with substantial quantity of red liquid around me which i identified as coming for me. i was conscious. i thought in an ordinary way, i thought, i think i'm dying. and then i'll tell you what happened is nothing happened. there was no heavenly choir.

there was no tunnel of light. there was no pearly gates. there was no fires of hell, nothing. just me lying on a stage, bleeding. and unfortunately i was wrong about that. they managed to get me into a helicopter and the nearby trauma hospital on time. >> stephen: but there was something uncanny about it, i understand. i learned today that you had a premonition. >> salman: that was weird. two days before i went up to do this lecture. the space that it's in is called an amphitheater. i had a dream about being in a kind of movie amphitheater, like a roman amphitheater. gladiators. there's a gladiator with a spear attacking me and i was on the floor rolling about and i woke up in the middle of the night and i said to my wife eliza, i'd had this dream. i said i don't want to go. i don't want to go. and then i woke up a bit more and i thought, you know, it's a

dream. it's a dream. who runs their lives according to whether they have a bad dream today. so i said i'll go. maybe i should have paid attention. >> stephen: yeah. will you pay attention to your dreams in the future? >> salman: oh, absolutely. especially the ones where i win a billion dollars. [laughter and applause] >> stephen: as i said, the book is called "knife: meditations after an attempted murder." i imagine -- did this help you deal with the trauma of it? what was the motivation? >> salman: the motivation was that i couldn't write anything else. such a huge thing happens in your life and what use it down and write a fairy tale about something? it just seems stupid. >> stephen: how soon after -- >> salman: six months when i couldn't write anything. i guess around february last year, i started working on it and it got finished the end

of october kind of like that. >> stephen: what's the story that you want to tell us about this? >> salman: what was interesting to me. i thought, okay, i got attacked and that's something i can describe that as i just did in 30 seconds or less. so what's the book? what i felt the book ended up being was about three people, it ended up being about me and him. i don't use his name in the book. and my wife eliza who was the person who saved my life also. and they were like a triangle. one of the people, the point of the triangle represented love and one represented death that i was a third point of the triangle. it was like a struggle between hatred and love, between death and life. that's the story i was trying to tell. unfortand fortunately love wins. [applause] >> stephen: we have to take a break. we'll beight back with more salman rushdie, everybody.

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, we are back with the author of the new book "knife," salman rushdie. you dedicated book to the people who saved your life. >> salman: a lot of people

save my life. henry was the person on stage with me. a man in his 70s. not like a great big guy. he ran across the stage and tackled a 34-year-old man with a knife. and then amazingly, people in the front row of the audience came running up and helped him and they all jumped on this guy and held him down until people arrived to arrest him. these people whose names i don't know, faces i wouldn't recognize. they were the first people who saved my life. then there was a couple doctors in the audience. there was a retired fireman with the big film who stuck his thumb on my neck with the biggest wound was and just kept it there, kept it there and walked all the weight of helicopter with his thumb on my neck. >> stephen: were you conscious the entire time? >> salman: i was kind of conscious. i was an unconscious but i wouldn't say my senses were at

their sharpest, not fully on it. but i remember him. he kept telling me, he kept telling everybody his name. his name was either matt perez or mark perez, i'm not sure but he was a retired fireman and he was one of the people who saved my life whose names i do know. there were all these doctors. eight hours in the surgery. the head chief surgeon had, as i say in the book, rather a gastronomic name. he was called james beard. >> stephen: for those who don't know, great chef, the james byrd award. >> salman: and a foundation he's also a surgeon in erie, pennsylvania. >> stephen: in the book you write about one way of understanding the situation around "the satanic verses" and the threats against her life having to do with that book which started when? the late '80s? >> salman: '89.

>> stephen: '89. was this related in some way? >> salman: i assume so. i didn't know much about this young man except for an interview he somewhat unwisely gave to "the new york post" from jail. many reasons why that's unwise but we don't have to go into that. he declared himself to be an admirer of the ayatollah khomeini. i assume it has to do with that. >> stephen: you say that the threats against your life having to do with "satanic verses" was a quarrel between those with a sense of humor and those without one. >> salman: yeah. >> stephen: of your attacker you say "you could try to kill because you don't know how to laugh." what is the relationship between laughter or humor in this violent impulse? >> salman: let me just ask you. can you imagine a funny fanatic? >> stephen: no. they have to maintain their stats all the time. [applause]

the phillie phanatic. >> salman: there's something about humor and bigotry that doesn't go together. humor is liberating. humor is a way of celebrating life, and laughter is a thing we do together. when we laugh, we laugh together. it brings us closer. this is all the beauty of laughter. none of that seems to fit into, if you like, the kind of taliban view of the world where they outlaw this stuff. >> stephen: or music. >> salman: or music. outlaw that too. anything that brings pleasure. the american humorist once said, he said. tourism is the deep fear that someone somewhere might be ha happy. [laughter] [applause] >> stephen: last fall he received an award here in new york city called the

lifetime disturbing the peace award. a few weeks before that, you won the german peace prize. >> salman: yeah. >> stephen: which is it, peace or disturbing the peace? pick a side. >> sal >> salman: depends on if you're speaking german or english. in german, and very peaceful. i have to say by the way that my name means "peaceful." salman. my parents thought i was peaceful, for what that's worth. >> stephen: the book is "knife." the manna salman rushdie. thank you so much for being here. we'll be right back with the star of "shogun," anna sawei. rm. ♪♪ an all-in-one cleaning tool that gives you a mop and bucket clean in half the time ♪♪ our cleaning pad has hundreds of scrubbing strips that absorb and lock dirt away, ♪♪

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is an actor you know from "f-9," "pachinko," and "monarch." she now stars as mariko in "shogun." [speaking japanese]

>> stephen: please welcome to "the late show," anna sawai. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ all right. i have been looking forward to this because i love your performance in "shogun." it's been getting rave reviews, the entire show. c-14 isn't a remake. it's a revelation. dazling "shogun" is that tv epic you've been waiting for. and "shogun"'s, tvs most epic series since "game of thrones."

did you get to see all of it before it was released? >> anna: yes, i did. >> stephen: did you have a sense how well it was going to be received? it's extraordinary. >> anna: i feel like we put in everything until we were hoping for it to be really well received but it's been mind-blowing because everyone has been tuning and loving it and it means so much. >> stephen: how long did you work on it? >> anna: supposed to be six months put it up being ten. >> stephen: in vancouver. >> anna: in vancouver out of the rain in the month. >> stephen: a lot of rain and a lot of mud. it takes place in the year 1600 is where it starts in japan. you are fluent in japanese but is japanese from 1600 like shakespearean english is for us? it's more formal or different? >> anna: exactly. it's like shakespearean english. everyone thing is a little bit more slow and long.

thank you would be arigato now. but back then you would say [speaking japanese] >> stephen: everything takes a little bit more time. because they didn't have tv then. >> anna: you wanted to talk a little like this. do you like the old form. >> anna: i didn't appreciate it in the beginning because it was a lot to learn. but i love it now, there is something very poetic about it. if i were to say stephen is here. i would say [speaking japanese] it sounds beautiful. >> stephen: i wouldn't be mind being announced on the show every night. it's pretty intense to watch. long beautiful passage of it, long intensely violent passags. was it intends to shoot? you had to learn a lot of things to do this, didn't you?

>> anna: yeah, it was very, very intense. i feel like the emotional arc that mariko has is very heavy as well. lving in that body for ten months did weigh a lot. >> stephen: you had to learn to ride horses. >> anna: horses. the long spear like sword that she has. what else did i learn? calligraphy. in the writing. >> stephen: a real person? >> anna: yes. >> stephen: you are copying her handwriting? >> anna: yes. the details. >> stephen: we wouldn't know. good for you. >> anna: we really worked hard. >> stephen: you had to learn a special walk. it's a very fluid but short stride. could you teach me how to walk like your character? >> anna: absolutely. [cheering] >> stephen: what is the secret? >> anna: i want to preface it by saying women walk like this.

i don't know how men are walking. >> stephen: i want to walk like your characters walking, not like -- >> anna: bend your knees and stick them together. yes. and you just move your feet. yeah, exactly. then your hands have to be here. so you just walk like that. [applause] [laughs] >> stephen: i love all the outfits. i love the precision, how everything is laid out. i want anything in my life to be as clean and as orderly as any of the houses that they have. >> anna: so do i. we had multiple people working on the set. >> stephen: at all times. i understand you grew up in a family of performers. was this your first? was this the first thing that you did? tell me what's going on here.

>> anna: the one in the red wig is me. i'm 11 in this picture and i'm playing annie in japanese. >> stephen: wow. [applause] i'm just curious. how do you say "it's a hard-knock life in japanese." >> anna: you say [singing in japanese] >> stephen: [singing in japanese] >> anna: yes! >> stephen: and us? [singing in japanese] i was not expecting that. >> stephen: one thing that i see that you did, can you tell me what's going on here? what is this? >> anna: we were on set for a very long time and i had to memorize so many lines. in the final edit, they really do it seamlessly. mariko's voice is kind of fading into the background as she translates was very beautiful

but onset was translating every single line that the two characters were speaking. and so i took up knitting. >> stephen: you hadn't done it before. >> anna: no, i've never done it before. >> stephen: from 0 to 60 you are doing this kind of work. >> anna: i started with finger knitting, chunky yarn, anyone can do it and then i slowly started getting into crocheting. >> stephen: ten months got you here. >> anna: absolutely, ten months. oh, my gosh, wait, yes. >> stephen: ask what this is? >> anna: i made you something on the way here. >> stephen: what is it? >> anna: it's a case for your glasses. >> stephen: oh, my god. [applause] thank you so much. thank you for my beautiful gift and your beautiful performance. new episodes of fx's "shogun" air tuesdays on hulu. anna sawai, everybody.

we'll be right back.

from a marriage on the rocks to a loving home filled with hope. dusty and kendra dean share how god

healed their relationship and brought freedom from past pain. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." special thanks to terence blanchard for being here. tune in tomorrow when

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Author Salman Rushdie; actress Anna Sawai; Terence Blanchard sits in with Louis Cato and the Late Show Band.

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